i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Come on in and take your pants off
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