I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize