On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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