he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
