just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
