i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
