I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
