I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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