your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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