so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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