Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
