Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
