you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
