Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just pynch a tree in the face
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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