Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
that may or may not have been my penis.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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