he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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