I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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