can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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