Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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