Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
