This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
