He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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