FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
