My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I intend to get homeless drunk
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Even my vagina gasped.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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