Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I will be naked everywhere
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
