Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
