I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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