my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
