dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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