We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
is that a dick in a sweater?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
