I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
