What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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