Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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