So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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