I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
