Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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