Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
