Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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