This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
