Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
