he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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