I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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