I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
