Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Sober January is a disaster.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
