you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
