Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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