Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
