Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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