I met the friendliest cop last night
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
