I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
