2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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