at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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