I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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