I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
