Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
