News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
