I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
