As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
