is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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