So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize