Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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