just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Less talking, more tequila
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
