I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
