My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
did i walk over a car last night?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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