hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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