Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
