I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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