My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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