oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
its liver damage thursday
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
