i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
