I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
