I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
