All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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