the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
