Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
