I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
