It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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